LOVE IS THE VICTORY OF MY HEART

"There is only one sin - lack of love. Be brave, be capable of loving, even if love seems a terrible and treacherous thing. Find joy in LOVE. Find joy in VICTORY. Follow the dictates of your HEART."
-- Paul Coelho (The Valkyries)

If I do not know how to love, then what kind of human would I be? Would I even be human if I do not have the slightest idea of what love is and what love can be? I have had my heart broken numerous times. And which heart break, I promised myself I will never let anyone hurt me again. No one has the right to make a fool out of me again.

But the biggest fool turned out to be me after all. Because no matter how many times I have uttered those words, I found myself falling in love again. It seemed as if I have forgotten about the pain and the stupidities that came with falling in love. A travesty, is it not? Here I am again. Writing blogs. Writing these words as if I have never been hurt. Writing them as if I have never been in love before. Full of hope. Full of vibrant energy. Like a little girl smitten with her first crush. Though staring into nothingness, it does not bother me. With a simple glance, my whole body shivers. Like a candle that has been lit, my heart burns and glows in darkness. Like a hardened wax, the facade of a bitter lover with a cold heart slowly melts. It reveals a helpless child looking for love. The embers of false promises and betrayal from the past are extinguished. Love breathes life to everything it touches even to those who have thought they have died when their lovers leave. Reborn with new hope. Stronger than the previous battle.

I had a conversation about love with a friend a few nights ago. "I wanted to be loved," I revealed. I'm tired of one-way streets. Dead ends. Detours. I deserve to find the one who sees me for my flaws and imperfections yet still loves me just the same. Without reservations to whatever repercussions. Because even if I am not perfect, I am still worthy. Each of us is worthy. Worthy of love. Requited love. Worthy of unconditional love in a very conditional world. Everything seems to have conditions these days. And should love be the same? Should it, too, fit the society's mold? But why should the most basic aspect of our lives needs to be negotiated. Should love be a transaction? That whoever decides to fall in love must get what they bargain for. May that be affection or energy. "There is an opportunity cost to everything that you want," my Economics professor once said. Should that include love?

Because love, in its purest form, never asks for something in return. It never loses though it has given everything. It gets satisfaction nonetheless. Because true love is about loving one's self first before loving anyone else. How can you love someone else when you do not have love for your own? You never ask for love in return. Because if you have loved true, like a mirror, love will reflect back to you.

I revel on the idea of me holding your hand. The two of us sitting side by side under the moonlit sky. The world continues to revolve but we are frozen in that moment forever. LOVE IS THE VICTORY OF MY HEART. And I will get to it one day. I will get my "transactions" in order. I will get to you one day. Do not behold this as a cowardice, my love. For I am not giving up on you. I am not succumbing to the awe and terror that love brings. I am taking it all in. I am letting it drown me. I am letting it wash all my insecurities and inhibitions. Because you do not deserve half of me. YOU DESERVE ALL OF ME.

And so, I will let these words echo through valleys, through mountains, through oceans and through empty spaces,
" I love you..."

My love, I hope you hear it.